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A Programmer's Short Guide to Newborns
By John Fitzgibbon, July 15, 2006
 There's no manual. You wouldn't read it anyway.
Nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Regularly pulling all-nighters to meet deadlines doesn't compare. Trust me.
"Breast or Bottle?" is a bit like "Linux or Windows?":- Lots of people on both sides, all with very strong opinions. At the end of the day, both sides get the job done, all without bringing about the End Of Life As We Know It.
99.99% of system malfunctions are covered by: A) Wet/Poopy, B) Hungry, C) Tired or D) Pain, (roughly in ascending order of "difficulty to deal with").
Don't eliminate A) or B) just because of recent Change/Feed. These are easy, try them first.
C) is not always as obvious as you might think. "Frantic Activity" + "Bawling" sometimes == "Tired". Go figure. Fixing this problem usually involves some baby-specific procedure that can only be arrived at through trial and error: something like standing on one leg with baby balanced between the other knee and your elbow while humming Rachmaninoff and using a hair dryer to blow warm air on baby's butt, all the while flushing the toilet and running the faucets. This is where you really wish you had that manual.
D) is not usually that common, but don't rule it out if you've tried all the rest. You'll probably find that your Pediatrician deals with dumb questions from newbie users better than you would. They won't flame you, shame you or dismiss you with a curt "RTFM", (there is no FM).
Remember that baby doesn't know (yet) that you're a geek. Revel in the captive audience as you explain why [Insert Name of Lame Programming Language Here] is totally bogus when compared with [Insert Name of Less Lame Programming Language Here].
Two week olds are not Bored. Three months, maybe; two weeks, never -- not even if you're explaining Perl's regular expression syntax.
Expect poor performance and usability issues, because, as with most complex systems, babies start off "buggy". Despite this, almost everybody will lie about how good/calm/sweet their baby is/was. The few who don't will become your new best friends.
Parenting websites suck. Pink stuff, cursive fonts, too many words. Don't bother.
Did I mention sleep deprivation?
Despite it all, I'm loving every minute of it...
Fitz.
2012-05-17 01:00hr:
Dell feeds Xeon E5s to hungry new PowerEdge beasts @thereg
Sky's the limit in terahertz territory @thereg
DIY Kitchen – Homemade Sourdough Bread @wired
School’s Out — Go Make Something With Make: Magazine @wired
2012-05-17 00:00hr:
Revised psychiatry bible fails reliability tests @newscientist
2012-05-16 22:00hr:
A Google-a-Day Puzzle for May 17 @wired
2012-05-16 19:00hr:
The Technology Behind Virgin Atlantic's Mid-Flight Cellphone System @wired
The Technology Behind Virgin Atlantic’s Mid-Flight Cellphone System @wired
2012-05-16 18:00hr:
The Technology Behind Virgin Atlantic’s Mid-Flight Cell Phone System @wired
Gadget Lab Show: Nook Simple Touch, Pebble Smartwatch, and the Big Jawbone Jambox @wired
How to Build an Art Bot @wired
Mold a Dino Fossil @wired
Cook Up Some Glow Worms @wired
Princess Free Stories @wired
Justice Dept. Defends Public’s Constitutional ‘Right to Record’ Cops @wired
We’re Using More of The Few Antibiotics Left @wired
2012-05-16 17:00hr:
Data Viz of the Day: Controlling a Robot With Your Mind @wired
Build a Hovercraft @wired
How to Make Electric Play-Doh @wired
Cool Science Kits @wired
Introducing The Monitor, Wired's New Video Series About Pop Culture @wired
2012-05-16 16:00hr:
Fund Your Dream With the Perfect Kickstarter Pitch @howto.wired
Make a Buckminster Fuller Blanket Fort @wired
How to Bike With Your Kids @wired
Wired Magazine @wired
GeekDad Puzzles for Ages 6-17 @wired
5 Powerful Music Apps That Should Make Middlemen Nervous @wired
2012-05-16 15:00hr:
How Two MIT Grads Launched a Badass Maker Shop @wired
Apple Patent Wars Delay HTC One X, Evo Sales @wired
Letter From GeekDad’s Editor @wired
Introducing The Monitor, Wired’s New Video Series About Pop Culture @wired
2012-05-16 14:00hr:
Flipboard iOS App Adds Audio to Your Social Magazine @wired
Hands On: Flipboard iOS App Adds Audio to Your Social Magazine @wired
Oracle and Google Agree to Copyright Truce (For Now) @wired
Where Liquid Nitrogen Bombs Get Their Energy @wired
Poisoning the Dalai Lama. Or Not @wired
Momofuku Puts Mold, Bacteria on the Menu @wired
2012-05-16 13:00hr:
Dell Targets SMBs With Boomi-Based Cloud Packs @wired
Nvidia, Citrix Bringing Graphics Power to the Cloud @wired
Google Revamps Search With Massive ‘Real-World Map of Things’ @wired
Apple’s Patent Win Delays Shipments of Two HTC Smartphones @wired
Hands-On: Flipboard iOS App Adds Audio to Your Social Magazine @wired
Found: The Future of Toiletries @wired
'Dead Man Walking' Tricks Airport Into Giving Him Top Security Job @wired
‘Dead Man Walking’ Tricks Airport Into Giving Him Top Security Job @wired
Poisoning the Dalai Lama: The Chances of Success @wired
Q&A: Space Historian on Historic SpaceX Launch @wired
2012-05-16 12:00hr:
Dell Targets SMBs With Boomi-based Cloud Packs @wired
Step 1 in U.S. Plan to Rule Sea and Sky: Actually Share Data @wired
China Flies New Stealth Fighter as Problems Plague U.S. Jets @wired
Google Revamps Search With Massive 'Real-World Map of Things' @wired
How Selecting Voters Randomly Can Lead to Better Elections @wired
Found Contest: Imagine the Future of School Science Fairs @wired
‘Dead Man Walking’ Tricks Airport into Giving Him Top Security Job @wired
The Benefits of Being Bilingual @wired
Apollo 11 Revisited: What if the Eagle Didn't Land? @wired
2012-05-16 11:00hr:
Explosions cause brain damage through head movement @newscientist
Brain-controlled arm could beat paralysis @newscientist
Step One in U.S. Plan to Rule Sea and Sky: Actually Share Data @wired
Epicenter @wired
Google Revamps Search With Massive ‘Real World Map of Things’ @wired
Can Anything Take Down the Facebook Juggernaut? @wired
Diablo IIIIs Beautiful, Addictive Nonsense @wired
Twisted Tweets Fuel Robots Feel Nothing When They Hold Hands @wired
Oracle Goes for Broke in Court Battle With Google @wired
Mothers, Farmers and Chefs Against Antibiotic Misuse @wired
Parents and Chefs Unite Against Antibiotic Misuse @wired
Paralyzed Woman Controls Robotic Arm With Her Mind @wired
2012-05-16 10:00hr:
Biological clock began ticking 2.5 billion years ago @newscientist
First Impressions: Diablo III Is Beautiful, Addictive Nonsense @wired
Survey: Japan’s Interest in Wii U, Vita Declines @wired
Theoretical Physicist Brian Greene Thinks You May Be a Hologram @wired
11 Jurors Consider Claims of Android Patent Infringement @wired
2012-05-16 09:00hr:
Pulsar heavyweight champ challenges Einstein @newscientist
Interactive 'wallpaper' screens are the future of TV @newscientist
Why the World Isn't Freaking Out About Iran's Plasma-Powered Spy Sat @wired
How Plants Deal With Space Travel @wired
Tracking Ocean Sulfur Could Help Test Gaia Hypothesis @wired
2012-05-16 08:00hr:
Hot fuzz spawns QuickTime patch @thereg
22 Years Later, Remembering Jim Henson @wired
2012-05-16 07:00hr:
Wheels fell off 'boring inefficient' car adverts @thereg
Pints under attack as Lord Howe demands metric-only UK @thereg
Why the World Isn’t Freaking Out About Iran’s Plasma-Powered Spy Sat @wired
2012-05-16 06:00hr:
NSFWWatchdog bites bar over 'offensive' Facebook ad @thereg
Why GM slammed the brakes on its $10m Facebook ads @thereg
Chikungunya virus loves warm New York winters @newscientist
The ancient American bones at centre of two lawsuits @newscientist
New Apple keyboard patent may spell trouble for Android @thereg
Stocks low as customs search boxes for illicit gear @thereg
DROKK – A Soundtrack to a Film That Doesn’t Exist (But Actually it Does) @wired
Exploding Liquid Nitrogen: Where Does the Energy Come From? @wired
2012-05-16 05:00hr:
Fasthosts officially not the best in UK for virtual servers @thereg
Only global poverty can save the planet, insists WWF - and the ESA! @thereg
2012-05-16 04:00hr:
75,000 Raspberry Pi baked before August @thereg
ASA tuts at TalkTalk over broadband speed estimator @thereg
Bet-the-company wager goes south @thereg
As Congress Mulls Mandate on Car Black Boxes, Data Ownership Remains Unclear @wired
Someone Needs to Buy the 'World's Fastest' Amphibious Car @wired
Someone Needs to Buy the ‘World’s Fastest’ Amphibious Car @wired
Why the World Isn't Freaking Out About Iran's Next Sat Launch @wired
Why the World Isn’t Freaking Out About Iran’s Next Sat Launch @wired
Designing Sex Toys for Mitt, Michele, and Rick @wired
Flexible Displays Landing in 2012, But Not in Apple Gear @wired
Drive the Economy in Titans of Industry @wired
Why Fewer Voters Can Mean Better Elections @wired
Director's Homecoming Spawns Award-Winning Photo Project @wired
Director’s Homecoming Spawns Award-Winning Photo Project @wired
Vintage-Styled Olympus Is Our New Favorite Compact Camera @wired
This Day In Tech @wired
May 16, 1988: Nicotine Declared as Addictive as Heroin, Cocaine @wired
Banned PlayStation Hacker Sees Hope of Return in Jailbreaking Deliberations @wired
Theoretical Physicist Brian Greene Thinks You Might Be a Hologram @wired
Theoretical Physicist Brian Greene Thinks You Might Be a Hologram @wired
Space Program: MarsTransforms an Armory Into Red Planet @wired
With Space Program: Mars, Tom Sachs Transforms Armory Into Red Planet @wired
Eleven Jurors Consider Claims of Android Patent Infringement @wired
Four Minutes of London, Achingly Beautiful @wired
2012-05-16 03:00hr:
Facebook starting to go big in Brazil. Hmm ... @thereg
Graphics shocker: Nvidia virtualizes Kepler GPUs @thereg
Windfarms for all, but without using steel or concrete @thereg
Taser stun gun linked to heart attacks @newscientist
Wikipedia busts the language barrier @newscientist
'Nobody is exempt from climate responsibility' @newscientist
2012-05-16 02:00hr:
'IT is no place for the little ladies', says Dell mouthpiece @channelregister
Apple places massive DRAM order at Elpida plant - report @thereg
My Inner Thrall Has Been Released @wired
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